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I.M. Hate 23 Feb 2021

Am I hate? I do not believe that I am full of hate. But I realize that I allow some hate in my life. I would not call it hate perhaps. For sure I know that some of the decisions I made in my life were not born from love.

What?

Let me examine some things I may hate:
1. I hate my fears. Examples are a fear for rejection, a fear not to hear or understand well, a fear for pain and sickness, a fear for a not so good future. I smile towards some of those fears. But the fears do not always shy away.
2. I hate it when people contradict or ignore me without (in my opinion) a good reason. I become aware of this when I get angry. It is rebellion. I can suppress it by waiting and delaying. It runs however deep. And even after days the anger can come back although more controlled. What helps me most is a realization that I am not that important that I just could hurt another person. It might be a form of jealousy. That reminds me to the reasoning of Cain in Genesis 4:5.
3. I hate being alone in groups of people. There are some causes. Often I can not follow the conversation because I do not hear enough. I am not good in dealing with various events happening at the same time. I am not good in sports, music and dance. Furthermore I may raise up too complicated issues in groups. This time I do not smile or try to be patient. Are there good sides? Fortunately the answer is yes. I am aware of other persons who are drawn back and by times I can meet those. It also stirs up creative thoughts. By times I pray for people.

Prayer

Father God, I confess that by times I struggle with hate, jealousy and rebellion. Please remind me to painful experiences in my past life where I need to forgive and seek healing for my soul. Jesus, please help me where I hate or where other emotions rule over my life.