I.M. Self Hating 20 Dec 2021
Would you hate yourself for always being late? Or worse for never being good enough? What would I hate about myself?
What and Who
Assume I drink way too much coffee. Which is actually true. Who is it that I am feeding with coffee? Perhaps a 15 years old teenager who loved to drink coffee, but did not get it in his family. Think. I am no more a 15 years old teenager. Do I really need heaps of coffee at my age of 66 years? Or is it my teenager version that needs the coffee?
Another example. When some ideas of me are rejected, I feel pissed off, angry. I may know reasons why my ideas are not listened to and not accepted. I still feel annoyed. And I over-respond. Now I raise a question. Could it be that the child of 10 years, which I was 56 years ago, is still disappointed that his father would not listen to his ideas? Perhaps I should have told my father, that I often felt not listened to and that I wanted more of his attention.
Perhaps my 10 years old version is annoyed when not listened to in the present time.
Frequently, I am not accurately aware about how and what I actually feel. I need to learn to tell myself and people around what I struggle with. First I need to realize myself that perhaps a 15 years old boy likes coffee and a 10 years old child likes attention of his father.
By now I can drink as much coffee as I like and perhaps choose that it is more than enough. With 56 years of learning, I am able to communicate more effective when I want attention for my ideas. I am still learning about when and how to speak to friends and authorities.
Pain from my Past
When I choose to maintain the pain of a 10 years old child or a 15 years old teenager, I hate myself and I punish myself. I need to learn not to feed my past frustrations. I want to be free to choose healthy ways of living now.
Jesus Christ, teach me how to hand over my burdens from the past to you. Holy Spirit, help me in caring for my past so that I can move into new life.