I.M. Guarded 15 Feb 2021
What would I protect most? Perhaps the things that happened in the first years of my life. I was vulnerable. I can't remember a lot of that time. I know for sure that children growing up do not like to be seen as babies. I do not like to be remembered to my crying.
Now I am strong. I am a different man. I can guard myself.
I try to think about some things which I like to hide:
a) The times when I have hurt other persons. Even when I asked forgiveness.
b) My emptiness. All the times that I am not productive. Even when I would not have known what to do.
c) My fears. Typically about future health. Furthermore about possible failure in whatever smaller or bigger enterprises. The fear for not hearing well. That last fear comes with confusion.
d) My inability to use my talents for the causes where God invites me. To love my neighbour and to build community and friendship are painful 'failures'.
e) Feeling uncertain about what others may think about me.
Yes, I tend to guard myself. It is easier when others do not touch those areas of my life.
Ooh, before I forget, I guard all my possessions. I distrust risky financial investments. I just like to play safe.
Am I serious?
When I am serious, I should admit that by times I could take more risk. That I need to learn to lower my shields. So that others can experience who I am.
I am sure that when doing so, the world around can connect better to my talents and gifts. And not just the world around. I myself can connect better to my good resources.
Jesus, I bring to you all that I guard too much. Come Holy Spirit, please bring to the light what I guard and what needs to be released.